Michel Delving, Eriador — Residents were shocked Mersday to discover a passageway to Mordor, the Land of Shadow, tucked way in the depths of a Shire dwelling.
This revelation was made by Tobias Featherbottom of Brockenborings, upon scouring the basement of the Mathom House for some liquid refreshments.
“They sent me over to Michel Delving to pick up some stashed Bullroarer’s Brew,” Master Featherbottom said. “It felt unusually hot down there…terrible for the ale!”
He spoke of a door tucked away behind a shelf of dusty trinkets and splintered barrels. Upon sliding the obstacles away, faint voices could be heard from the other side. Master Featherbottom soon suffered from major burns on his hands while attempting to grasp the door handle.
“I haven’t felt such pain since my cousin got me lost in the Scary mine for some silly umbrella, and a nasty webber struck me in the leg,” he spoke. “Something just didn’t feel right about this door.”
Bounders were called in to investigate and contain the situation, along with Second Shirriff Bodo Bunce. Oven mitts were issued to all personnel for safe handling of all evidence. Upon closer inspection of the door’s surface, an engraving was discovered which read “Mor[e]dor,” though the “e” appeared to have been playfully scratched into its exterior.
It was assumed that there must have been some kind of furnace that had stoked itself and began to overheat beyond the interior of the adjacent room. After a careful analysis of the door and many temperature readings, Shirriff Bunce deemed that with proper padding, he would attempt to bare the door and venture to the source of the heat.
“We had to bring in all sorts of chisels and hammers to expose the crevices in the door,” Bounder Chubbs explained. “Much of the residue was a rather foul-smelling combination of some hard, slimy substance. It took us quite awhile to clear the way, but we finally managed.”
Upon opening the door, the shirriff was shocked to discover what was hidden behind the door. It was not a hobbit cellar, but instead some sort of cave. There appeared to be no clear way to proceed into the cavern, so the investigation team decided to gather samples of the rock for further testing to try and pinpoint the location.
After Shire geologists were baffled, news spread out to fellow scholars from several lands. Samples were passed on forward, and it was Amardor of Rivendell that presented a startling revelation.
“After reviewing the compositional nature of the rubble and performing a regional comparison study, I was shocked to discern a mutual region upon which this sample may have possibly originated. It seems quote absurd, but I believe this is a volcanic sample of igneous rock from Mordor – specifically, that from Orodruin.”
Orodruin, or Mount Doom, had been particularly active several years ago during the War of the Ring. Amardor’s findings were then reviewed by several other scholars in the same field, and their results came out identical. Several cartographers and Middle Earth theorists have been rushing to delve in their notes in an attempt to understand how there could be a common passageway shared between the Shire and Mordor, but there have yet to be any answers as to this chance scenario.
“This is still an active investigation scene, but we believe the original door may have been tampered with as a prank,” Shirriff Bunce revealed in a press conference, alluding to the text added to its surface. “We have no suspects at this time, but we’d be hard-pressed not to include those pranksters Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took.”
There are the same two hobbits who, by happenstance, joined locals Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee on their journey across many lands to destroy a dangerous ring and end the reign of an evil necromancer. Investigators are hesitant to defiantly point fingers toward Meriadoc and Peregrin as they apparently never raised a voice about the door during their adventures. Still, Shirriff Bunce has made it clear this is exactly the kind of thing the duo used to be known for doing.
“It’s no wonder the door wasn’t discovered ’til now,” Bounder Stubbles told us. “These hobbit-holes have many twisting passages and unused rooms. Anyone passing by probably just figured there was further storage [and more doors] and overtly ignored it.”
As for the voices heard by Master Featherbottom in the Mordor site, investigations will be ongoing, but no expeditions are likely until a fellowship can be arranged to foray into the possible dangers from the still Black Land. It is possible several troops of orcs had survived the eruption of Orodruin, and fled deep into one of the many caverns – perhaps this very one connected to the Shire.
We have reached out to Master Baggins and Mr. Gamgee for a few words about this discovery. They had nothing to say, but their faces displayed it all.