Tag: Humor

Dwarven Pogonotrophy 101

Noun. pogonotrophy (poh-gone-oh-trow-fee). The act of cultivating, or growing and grooming, a mustache, beard, sideburns or other facial hair. 

As I have previously alluded, the beard is basically the end-all-be-all of dwarven life. To most dwarves, pogonotrophy comes as naturally as hitting an orc in the face with an ax, but if you are unsure of regular preparation and maintenance techniques, this text is for you. If you are one of the tall men with a lesser (but I might add decent-enough) beard, or even one of the few hobbitfolk with rabbit fur on their chin, the procedures below may help you! If you are an elf, the depression support group is down the hall – forth door on the left (if you hit the hobbit zumba class, you’ve gone too far.)

But, I don’t Have a Beard!
That my friend is a certain shame. There are a number of reasons someone may be beardless and we will address these now:

  1. Non-dwarf, female. This is OK! This class is not for you. (You may stick around and admire mine, however)
  2. Non-dwarf, male. Incapable of growing a beard. Bad blood lines. Sorry… can’t help you. I hear the dwarf expeditionaries in Moria are supplying helmets that simulate having a beard.
  3. Dwarf. Hmm. The only feasible explanation I can come up with is you got too close to a cranky Runekeeper and your beard was singed right off. Even then, had it been grown correctly it certainly wouldn’t have burned away.

 

It looks like I have a shaggy-goat pelt growing from my face!
You sir, or madam dwarf; are in the right place!  Below is everything you need to know.

  1. Dwarven men don’t shave. EVER. Trimming is ok but for best results let it grow naturally. It might end up really long and bushy, or it may end up being short and precise, or anything in between. Displaying any skin where beard naturally occurs is shameful and quite disrespectful. It may be braided, wrapped and tied with a leather thong and/or adorned with fire-worked metal.
  2. Dwarven women may shave and trim their beards to keep up with the latest styles coming out of Thorin’s Hall, but in keeping with common decency, should not be shaved to the skin, exposing any part of the chin. A dwarflass’ beard may be decorated in the same manners as listed for the men, with the addition of colored ribbons, bows and other such fanciful things.
  3. A three ingredient conditioner made from 2 parts cave-bat guano, 1 part fermented bilberry juice and 2 parts boiled aurochs tallow may be applied to a moistened beard no more than twice weekly to encourage growth and a silky-soft sheen.
  4. A fire-poker or similar device may be employed to discourage any small manner of rodent who has decided to nest in your beard.
  5. While often dubbed a ‘flavor savor’ your beard should have any and all remnants of blackberry tart, roasted squirrel, boiled cave-claw legs or other crumbs should be combed out before bed to reduce any chance of your beard smelling like the back ally behind Elrond’s house.
  6. Under no circumstances do you allow an elf to continually stare at, touch, or criticize your beard. They are just jealous and your beard shouldn’t have to put up with that.

 

So there you have it, the basics of cultivating a healthy beard.

Beardtip of the week: If your beard finds itself caught in any manner of geared or turning device (vault lock mechanism, wagon wheel, etc.) or stuck in any other way, it is advisable to enlist your brethren to destroy whatever it is keeping it captive, while taking great care to preserve any whiskers. Trust me — the lord of whatever hall you hail from would much rather lose another wagon than have to look at your naked face.

A Dwarf’s Guide to Beards

A good dwarf, regardless of class, should be focused on one thing: his or her Beard. The Beard is the most vital part of a dwarf. It can be used for many things, and to add; it is quite attractive.

Picking the Appropriate Beard

Whether it be character creation, or at the Barber, a good Beard selection is beneficial to the overall well-being and success of your dwarf.

There are a few different things to consider when selecting your Beard style (that I will go into a bit of detail about later on), but there is one aspect that is most important, and that is the Beard’s innate power.

These innate abilities include, but are not limited to:

  • Massive DPS boosts: +10,000 DPS rating to all weapons equipped, plus it does another 10,000 DPS on it’s own.

  • Inspiration of fellows: +10,000 morale to all members of your fellowship.

  • Self morale restoration: A self morale heal that automatically restores morale equal to the amount of damage taken

  • Increased armour value: +10,000 to armour.

Depending on which class you choose, your beard style could make your Dwarf better then any other in the game. For example, if you choose to be a Dwarf Guardian, and you choose a beard that gives +10,000 to armour, you could conceivably be the best Guardian in the game.

 

Other attributes of beard styles include:

  • Bonuses to all stats: +10,000

  • Increased knowledge of all things: You are smarter than the supposed “Lore Master” running around like a maniac next to you.

  • Increased (and valid I might add) sense of superiority: This goes without saying.

  • Amazing style and good looks: Again, this goes without saying.

Some “not-so-desired” (as other races may perceive it!) effects may include arrogance and an overall elitist attitude.

Take my beard for instance, it gives me +100,000 to all stats, has the DPS boost, increased armour and it makes me the best looking character in the game. No one can touch me. Please be aware however that my own beard is unique and can and will not ever be replicated.

 

Other Utilities

Some beards have extra utility as well. A longer beard can be used to whip around and blind opponents, as well as used as a rope to tie things up. Shorter beards are useful for absorbing ale that did not quite make it into your mouth, and storing it for later consumption.

Aesthetics

Long or short, this is purely up to you. It is a well known fact that there is nothing mightier than a well-kept, long beard, of epic proportions. At the same time however, a shorter beard is a sure way for the Dwarf ladies to attract the Dwarf dude she has eyes for.

Choosing the Right Beard for You…

Honestly, I am not sure why I even bothered to write this guide, the more I think about it, the more I realize – the Beard chooses you. Congratulations on being awesome. Now go show the rest of Middle Earth that they must FEAR THE BEARD!

 

This article was originally published by me as a humorous game-guide in the LOTRO Lorebook. It has been republished here for preservation.