Introducing: Warhobbits!

Please note: The following post is a 2014 April Fool’s joke and is not real.

Ladies, gentlemen, and orc-kin – I am humbled to share the next upcoming form of combative transportation to Lord of the Rings Online. All behold, the warhobbit!

The warhobbit began as a simple idea way back when Turbine was creating the Shire. Remember those mail and pie delivery quests? The team originally wanted to have the player ride a Bounder to the respective locations, while trampling the bothersome hobbits on the pathway. However, they didn’t quite have the tech available in 2007 to put their plan into motion.

With the release of Riders of Rohan in 2012, they now had the capabilities to produce mounted combat via warsteeds. This was really just a preliminary test to make sure the basic systems were in place to reveal their true form – warhobbits.

Finally, it is here! Hobbits – masters of quiet walking, devouring ludicrous numbers of breakfasts, and not generally one to take on an adventure, appear to be a docile race. However, you’ll want to think twice before crossing the path of a mighty warhobbit and its rider. From the first flash of pipeweed, to the last luscious locks of feet hair speeding by your battered corpse, you won’t know what hit ya.

Upon receiving the ability to ride a warhobbit (unlocked by scoring at least eleventy-one yards in a game of Golfimbul), you will be given the option to choose one of three warhobbit-types, seen below.

Some of the abilities you’ll be able to take advantage of include:

• Pie Persuasion – Push your warhobbit’s effectiveness to its fullest. Feeds a selection of mushroom and steak-and-kidney pies to your warhobbit, increasing its damage/defense/agility (depending on type) by 50% for two minutes.
• Stooping a Stone – Your warhobbit  can now make use of the hobbit-sense aptitude for slinging stones. Depending on your warhobbit-type, you will be able to toss jagged stones, causing damage over time (Stoor), pool together rocks, creating an armored shell (Fallohide), or produce rocky traps, hindering your enemy’s ability to reach you (Harfoot).
• ‘Ol Toby’s Toast – A moderate heal-over-time, giving the warhobbit time to sit back and reminisce.

As with any new release, there are still some bugs the team will address and get patched up. Currently, leaving your warhobbit unattended for a couple minutes may cause it to slink away to the nearest inn. While a well-toasted warhobbit may benefit from a bit of Barliman’s Best in the heat of battle, allowing it to drink before the fight starts may result in a slightly sluggish sidekick.

Also, there is the off-chance that your warhobbit may randomly take on the properties of Lalia, current proprietor of a premium marketplace in Bree-town. This will not affect your in-town maneuverability. However, traveling around the wilderness can be a bit…troubling.

The warhobbit looks to be a fine addition to the world of Middle Earth. Prepare your pork-pies and buttered scones, for taming a fierce warhobbit will require all your savvy and concentration!

Oh, and I hope you have a fantastic 4/1/2014.