Diary of a Wood Elf: The Second Age
This entry sponsored by Greenwood Brown Mead. Motto: ‘If you can remember your first glass of Greenwood Brown Mead, you are NOT drinking Greenwood Brown Mead.’
And boy do I need a drink these days. Apparently while I was traveling around or lying passed out in a Thangorodrim dungeon, the Valar went and created a second race to people Middle Earth with. As if elves were not enough, really?
I am not sure what the Valar were thinking when they came up with the Second born but it may have gone ‘so to the First-born we shall give everlasting life, great wisdom and beauty, and empathy with the land, and to Mortals we shall…not. Oh and stick an expiration date on them too, thanks!’
But it’s not all bad I suppose, one of the perks of mortality is that you don’t have to listen to Lord Glorfindel brag about that time he killed the Balrog and saved the Gondolin refugees for the six thousandth time. Everybody knows the Balrog slipped on your bottle of Tumladen Berry Shampoo. Enough already!
So after a couple of the houses of men helped the elves topple Morgoth, the Elf-friends were given a special island called Númenor. This was placed in the west so that the elves of Aman could exchange pen pal letters with them or something. This is a shame because the men who were left in Middle Earth couldn’t light a wall sconce if you spotted them the torch the wall and the sconce. Anyways off to go drinking with the Lindon elves, an activity that I probably will not remember tomorrow morning.
Goodness! Another shock as I ran across dwarves for the first time ever. One misses a lot apparently when your two chief activities are wood elf parties and elvish maidens (Not that I’m complaining).
A stunted cave dwelling people the dwarves have had a hard time of it from the start. A friend of mine tells me that they were created by Aulë before the beginnings of time, which rankled Eru’s nerves because nobody likes people cutting in line and that spot WAS reserved for the elves. But Aulë did some high level begging and Eru decided that he’d bless Aulë’s creation, but there was a catch.
Eru: “So I’ll let the dwarves in but they’ll have to stay as is”
Aulë: “Wait! But I’m only half finished”
Eru: “Sorry kid. I have decided”
Aulë” *mumbles* ‘But I haven’t even made the females yet….’
Or at least I imagine that’s how that conversation went. A large contingent of them is supposedly leaving Ered Luin to build a new kingdom off in the Misty Mountains out east. Maybe now I won’t have to keep cleaning beard hairs out of the bathroom sink.
I decided to do a little traveling myself since it’s gotten a little dull around here. I had heard that a large group of elves went east to Eregion to see what mischief they could cause and I’m always down with a little mischief.
I set out and soon came across a party of Noldor and Teleri who were on their way to the same place, lucky me! We set up camp after a long day of travel and broke out the wine and song. So after much partying, this blonde hair chick asks me if I want to ‘See her Mirror’ and I’m like. ‘Hey whatever you’re calling it these days, I’m for it’.
Well…apparently that’s NOT what they are calling it nowadays and it turns out she’s Celeborn’s wife Galadriel, a big mucky muck Noldor who apprenticed with Melian way back when. Needless to say Celeborn was not pleased with me. I think she rather liked it though, but that may have been the wine speaking.
So I’m sitting in a prison cell in the new kingdom of Hollin ‘Thinking on my mistake’ or so Celeborn put it. Whatever dude, you’re just mad because me and the boys used to make fun of you for the name you went by in the First Age that I will not mention here (Hint: It’s Teleporno).
Finally released from prison and it’s about time. I thought I was going to die on half a cup of wine a day prison rations. What does Celeborn think I am an animal? So I’ve decided to head back to Ered Luin where elves are a bit more reasonable.
On my way out I passed some guy named Annatar or something who offered me some jewelry but I declined. Something just doesn’t seem right about him but I’m not sticking around long enough to find out, especially after appropriating some of Celeborn’s prized Hollin White Wine. I figure he owes me.
It seems that I got out of Hollin just in time because it turns out that Annatar was actually Sauron returned. He sure can clean up well when he wants to. He managed to trick the great elven smith Celebrimbor into helping him forge rings of power that he attempted to use to ensnare the elves as his slaves.
Really though Celebrimbor should have seen through Sauron’s disguise, especially when he left his e-mail address as Annatar@notsauron.com. But fortunately the elves averted disaster if only for a little while.
It was rumored that Sauron tried to influence Gil-Galad and the wood elves of Lindon first but their policy towards strangers at the time was to fill them full of arrow holes and ask questions later. This is probably why you never see any door-to-door salesmen in wood elf lands.
The men he ensnared with nine of his rings were not so lucky. Although being second-born he probably didn’t have to go to such great lengths to fool them. It wouldn’t surprise me if he just walked up to them and said ‘I have a joke, Pull my ring finger’. They did and became eternal servants to his dark will. That Sauron, such a kidder. Fortunately the Númenorians arrived with a large fleet and sent Sauron packing back to Mordor. Maybe men aren’t so bad after all!
Been a while since I’ve written but then it’s been all sorts of crazy around here for quite a while and even Gil-Galad’s kingdom hasn’t been the safest place. So after Sauron was defeated the first time he went back to Mordor and started building up his power again. After a while he decided he was ready and declared himself ‘Lord of the Earth’.
This offended the current king of Númenor Ar-Pharazôn, who was all like ‘Oh no you didn’t! I already copyrighted that title’ and war it seems was inevitable.
After a couple years preparation, Ar-Pharazôn brought the full weight of Númenor’s might down on Sauron and let me tell you, he brought EVERYBODY. A couple hundred thousand of the most intimidating, orc-killingest Númenorians prepared for battle and challenged Sauron to fight.
In the face of this impressive force Sauron was not daunted though. He attempted to bring up his army of orcs, but one look at the ridiculously well-armed men and the orcs all suddenly remembered that they forgot an important dental appointment and fled the field and Sauron lost by default. He was taken prisoner to Númenor where hopefully he can’t cause any more trouble for Middle Earth.
Maybe I’ve misjudged mankind after all and they do deserve a chance. So I think I’ll take a trip to Númenor and see what they are all about. I’ll pass the time getting to know the culture and taunting Sauron for being such a douche. With him behind bars, what’s the worst that could happen honestly?
I had to ask. I really wish lands would quite sinking into the ocean as its getting quite repetitive. So Sauron the Eternal Fun-killer toppled Númenor and now I’m sitting around with Gil Galad and a bunch of drenched Númenorians who are preparing to put an end to his drama once and for all.
They asked me to come along but battles are not really my scene. I’m going to go to Greenwood like I should have at the beginning of this Age to live with the wood elves there. I hear Thranduil just had a son and wood elf birthing parties are not to be missed.